The Four Seasons of Marriage
Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter
Let’s talk about the four seasons of marriage: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. Usually we think of marriage as a relationship with our partner but it can also be the state of marriage solely within us called “the inner marriage.” The inner marriage is an intimate relationship with ourself. We need a strong inner marriage of love, appreciation, understanding and respect for ourself in order to experience the serenity, joy, and connection attainable in an outer marriage.
The Spring of Marriage is when matrimony begins. We are often young and overflowing with boundless excitement, optimism and desire. We start this first phase believing - unconsciously - that our partner is here to save our life and fulfill every expectation we ever dreamed possible. We are full of projections. In this early stage of development we rarely see the essence of the man or woman before us because we are so blinded by the light of the mythological god or goddess who blocks our view. We take our wedding vows, “Please heal me of every pain and love me forever.” Well, we didn’t say that but that’s what most of us thought. It’s a young and hopeful dream. We are in love and often madly so.
The Summer of Marriage is when we often bring children into the world. These precious little ones fill our lives with love, fun, pressure and (ugh!) adult responsibility. As the children grow, husbands and wives may argue that the spouse is not who we thought they were! We may even wonder if we are who we thought we were. Enter the mid-life crisis. It can be a stressful time of struggle.
Later in this phase of the marriage cycle children will fly away from the carefully constructed family nest and into their brand new lives, just as their mother and father did. Husbands and wives now begin to surrender and let them go, albeit a little sadly. It’s an emotionally healthy and necessary choice. “Sunrise, sunset, swiftly flow the days” go the words from Fiddler on the Roof. No wonder that song makes so many couples cry.
Then we look around. It’s so quiet. The voice of Spirit whispers, “Something needs to change.” We think the something is our mate. ”If only he…, if only she …,” Eventually we recognize it is not our mate but we who must change. We begin to understand that the inner marriage is of monumental importance. We commit to know ourself again. This commitment provides immediate insurance not just for us but for our couple relationship. It feels good. Understanding this inner marriage also makes boundaries clear, “I stop here and you start here.” Sometimes people are fearful that introspection might separate them. It could, but at least it’s honest.
When we work to connect the inner marriage with our outer marriage we begin to appreciate the real glory in our spouse. We also begin to see the first authentic wrinkles of responsibility for our own life, too, and we begin to grow up. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t all work out and couples do separate permanently. But if that should occur at least each party has the satisfaction of knowing who he or she is and can apply it non-defensively for the good of the children and grandchildren involved. Not every relationship was made in heaven.
The Autumn of Marriage is about transition. We watch our children raising their children. We graciously step back and let them live their own lives. We give them space when they need it. We throw our arms around the joy our grandchildren bring and pitch in whenever we can help. Watching our families grow is so full of wonder we want everyone to stop growing! But respecting time’s natural rhythm - especially when feeling astonished - helps us move right along with the changing tides as we consider what we want to do with our life now. Some want the pleasure of work, some the pleasure of play, and some want a combination. Being open to every new idea will see us through. That is key, keep it fresh.
The Winter of Marriage is when we enter into the final season of marriage with another or with ourself alone for death or choice or fate may have put us there. So we pray for everyone’s good health. We are reflective and thoughtful. We live in our souls more. We recognize and give thanks for all the important moments in our life and for those we’ve met along the way who have helped us to transform, evolve and grow. We look forward to any final gifts of grace this season will provide. We reach for our partner’s hand or put our hand over our heart to touch the symbolic hand of our inner partner. We read Yeats. We read Rilke. We smile. We pray. We make Every Day Matter.
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Tags: inner marriage, marriage, relationships
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:26 am
Ah yes. I wonder if we go through the different seasons more than once? Mary Frances
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:27 am
MJ,
Having just read your very eloquent words, I feel at such a loss to express myself. I think you have managed to state so perfectly the delights and struggles we encounter in marriage as well as with ourselves.
I struggled far too long to keep my marriage together and refused to see that it was hopeless. He didn’t want to give up his other life and in the end just walked out. The impact on the children and grandchildren has been profound. I am now in the Autumn of my life - without a partner. It is very lonely but at least it is a peaceful lonliness. I have been struggling to know who I am after all the years of being a wife and mother to seven children. Who was I? Who am I now?
I like your thought on being open to new ideas. I have been reflective and thoughtful for the last two years. Now it is time to come out of my cocoon and transform.
I am working very hard to make every day matter!
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:37 am
MJ–
Thank you for sending this to me. It really rings true, made me cry and also comforted that everything that my friends and I are going through is “normal”. I love looking at myself as a marriage in process! : ) xo Gerry
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:02 am
Mary Jane I enjoyed reading your reflections on the four seasons of marriage. It is truly beautiful and one that I will share with friends and family. It is most inspiring. My warmest thoughts to you and your family. I keep our Katie in my prayers and dearest thoughts always. With fondest memories, Trish Stewart
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:17 am
Mary Jane,
What a beautiful sentiment! Your wisdom provides much light.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:14 am
dream marriage
…
Forever Married…
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Ah Mary Frances, my lovely next door author at The Free Library of Philadelphia Book Festival. To quote from your beautiful book of poetry, When Dreams Escape - “The night you first touched my hand, a thousand and one rabbits tumbled from the magician’s hat.”
We do indeed cycle the seasons!
MJ
June 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Marriage is an ongoing learning process whether it is an “inner marriage” or an “outer marriage.” Some days I think I know so much. The next day I realize I don’t know anything. We are all learning from one another about how to survive and how to thrive, don’t you think?
What about an article on control? I think it’s a worthy topic and I would adore some input from you all!
How beautiful that you would take the time, Terry, Trish, Elizabeth, Gerry, and Forever Married to stop on by tonight.
Pray for me. I’ll pray for you.
MJ
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:59 am
Thanks for the affirming words on inner marriage. We sure have lots of things in common!
I’m thinking I could share a piece of writing from my book about my adopted son, who became a crack addict. There’s lots there about control and learning:)
I’m thinking something must have been done that was meaningful, as he has now been clean for 22 months, living independently and working full time. Please contact me if you’re interested, as it cannot be published yet since it’s draft copy. However, if you’d like to use it as reference, it deals with control in some pretty interesting ways!:)
Blessings and hugs to Katie’s mom!
Corry@ByGraceofMourning.ca
http//www.ByGraceofMourning.ca
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Corry, you must post a hint of your new book on your site, a pdf would work and we can learn of the spiritual path your son has walked and the courage to be sober.
Not every one makes it to recovery and those of us who love someone addicted suffer, too. So now wrap yourself around yourself and say Amen, I’m blessed!
July 24th, 2009 at 2:07 am
I think who we choose as our life mate could be the most important decision that we ever make so choose wisely. Ask yourself, what do we have in common? If bowling is the only thing, trust me, it isn’t enough. Do you practice the same religion? Do you both like outdoor activities or does one love them and the other not? Do you share a humorous twist of a phrase? Are you compatible intellectually? Do you feel physically attracted to one another with similar libidos? Do you like affection and he or she doesn’t? Do you both want children? What are his friends like and what are yours like? Remember the old, “Birds of a feather.”
What are his parents like? What are yours like? Believe me, the answer to that one will come back in spades when you are in your 40’s so know before you say “I do.” Are either one of you overly controlling and if so, what is that about. Is one partner always sitting back while the other does all the work whether in the relationship or just around the house and in the world?
Marriage can be deeply satisfying but it can also be a prison when you choose unconsciously so know yourself first and it will make choosing much sweeter. And never just “settle.” You hurt everyone when you do that, especially the children that usually follow. They deserve more and so do you. Hold the bar high.
March 11th, 2010 at 3:30 am
You have really great taste on catch article titles, even when you are not interested in this topic you push to read it
March 13th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
You have really great taste on catch article titles, even when you are not interested in this topic you push to read it
March 17th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Well I been around here for a while and I found what I needed, but the points this post has touched are really amazing, everyone’s trying to either copy or follow the same thing again and again, and most of the time get really hurtled by this. I think this being the first post to really post something out of the box will really help me and many others. I think trying this is really worth. It will not be wastage of time coz in any case this will never harm our campaigns for good serps.
April 14th, 2010 at 9:26 am
Great Blog. Just not sure why I am up at 3 a.m. reading this.
April 14th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Well, Mr. Nguyet,
It must be all of the pollens or maybe your work keeps you awake thinking up some great new songs.
Thanks for stopping by.
April 18th, 2010 at 8:55 am
My friend and I were just arguing about the topic you mentioned in your blog post and apparently, I am the winner of the argument! Thank you for clearing it out.
April 18th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Well, RLP,
Where you for or against marriage and what did you use to discern being the winner?
I’ve seen some people win the argument but lose the friendship so I hope that wasn’t the case with you.
April 23rd, 2010 at 5:01 am
April 23rd, 2010 at 5:34 am
Well Ms. Financial Help,
I see from your URL that you are a single mom. My mother became a single mom when she was 42; I was 13, my brother 11 and my sister 7. It was sad for us because our father died suddenly so I only started to notice the ‘couple things’ and we were all very close to him because our father was affectionate, funny, generous and just plain wonderful. After his death we all learned to live without him but we never stopped missing him and 2 or the 3 of us lived very independent lives.
I don’t know how it was for you when your husband parted nor the circumstances but it’s always hard. No young woman expects that on her wedding day.
Nevertheless strong women can make it, my mom did and she never had a job. How did she do that? I have no idea. She kidded we children and said she made money in the basement. But to this day I never worry about money because I’m a hard worker, always had a busy practice and job I loved. God will provide as old fashioned as that sounds. So very good luck to you, Single Mommy! Make Every Day Matter.
April 24th, 2010 at 9:51 am
Do you have a youtube channel? I guess it would be nice to see some videos.
April 24th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Well, I don’t have one yet but am considering one and having a little encouragement is lovely, thank you.
May 11th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
A Baptism is a sacred event and it’s an honor to be asked to be godparents to see that a child is raised within the faith.
For a gift I would go to a religious book store. If the child is Catholic buy a beautiful angel to put in the child’s room or if you are traveling abroad, as your site indicates, I would pick up a little holy water font.
When I was in Italy I purchased one with a lamb on the front in Sienna and it’s by my front door which I feel blesses the entry (mouth) “the bocca” of our home.
May 18th, 2010 at 8:54 pm
I am really thankful to the author of this post for making this lovely and informative article live here for us. We really appreciate ur effort. Keep up the good work. . . .
May 19th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Well, I would love to make a joke and say marriage is like bowling: sometimes you get a strike which is great in bowling but bad in relationship, sometimes you land up in the gutter, sometimes you feel knocked off of your pins but showing up just to play is half the game right there and trying to better your game now that makes good sense.
Thanks for stopping by.
May 24th, 2010 at 11:00 am
Marriage is one of the most sacred ceremonies that we humans experience. Being married also gives us happiness.
May 24th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
I think this is a great post. One thing that I find the most helpful is the fourth season. Sometimes when I write, I just let the flow of the words and information come out so much that I loose the purpose. It’s only after editing when I realize what I’ve done.
There are many great tips here for marriage that I’m going to try and be more aware of.
May 24th, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Yes, Henry, being married can feel like heaven or ‘that other place.’
I think whom we married makes all the differences and can be the most important decision in our lives.
May 24th, 2010 at 11:17 pm
Ovel Inad,
I don’t know if you are married or not but writing and being married may have something in common because sometimes we can forget what the purpose of our composition is or what this union means to us, too. We can take our writing assignments for granted and our mates for granted. While that sounds ordinary, it isn’t, because no one wants to be taken for granted, and an article that rambles without a purpose isn’t interesting. Don’t you agree?
June 2nd, 2010 at 11:46 pm
I figured this could help others: http://rpsmith.saveafailingmarriage.info/marriage-self-help-7-tips-that-could-save-your-marriage — Great advice for those looking to save their marriage
June 4th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
My son was intrigued when reading one paragraph on your post “… inner marriage.” The inner marriage is an intimate relationship with ourself. We need …” this is it, you just pinpointed it down buddy.
June 5th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Thank you, Seng, it all begins with the inner marriage. When people come to counseling with me they often think it is his or her spouse who doesn’t do this or do that when some of that is true the same issues could apply to them.
When two people in a relationship whether married or not both have looked inside to be conscious of who they are the outside relationship will always be more conscious and, therefore, much improved.
July 26th, 2010 at 8:38 am
Indeed, MJ, marriage is great especially if you have found a very special someone that is beautiful both on the inside and outside.
July 27th, 2010 at 4:55 am
This is for you, Teresa,
I cannot imagine having so many precious children, seven, God bless you, and then have to reinvent oneself. What amazing strength you must have to be dealing with it all.
I’m sure you did so much to preserve your marriage but some marriages are not meant for a lifetime and we lose ourself trying to make it more than it can actually be; trying to make it better. Sometimes we can only accept what it is and open the next door, the one that has “survival” on it.
I will say a special prayer for your strength as your “now” life opens up to you. Keep your eyes open for what will unfold. Keep your eyes on your faith and your gifts which I can imagine are numerous. You will find your path.