It’s August, let’s talk about your children leaving for college.  Yes, I know it brings up many feelings.  One minute you’re laughing with them at a Kmart Blue Light Special, the next minute you’re dissolving into tears.  The thing about being a parent is that when we finally master one stage of development with our kids, they’ve already catapulted into the next.

Leaving for college is a big transition for a family.  For many parents this separation feels like a little death.  In a way it is - death to the original family construct.  Think about it, for years the focus was on researching prospective colleges, visiting the schools, talking about what subjects to study, filling out applications, writing essays, meeting deadlines.  Then came the anxious wait for acceptances. Future hopes and dreams were realized or crashed with every day’s mail delivery.

Suddenly, the day arrives: the rental van is packed like a biblical camel trying to move through the eye of the needle.  Some reports say those camels got down on their knees to squeeze through the historical gate.  Not too unlike parents who feel this moment brought them to their emotional knees.

When you arrive on campus the excitement is visceral.  Where did all these people come from? Trucks, vans, SUV’s and a million kids in cut-offs.  Am I in Woodstock?  I’ve never seen anything like it.

On the outside we parents are genuinely thrilled for our kids.  A college education is a privilege that maybe we didn’t even have.  But inside, right below the exhilaration and gratefulness we feel for providing it, we moms and dads feel an aching sadness, the result of a suppressed emotion of imminent separation and unexpressed fear, Will she be all right?  Will he remember to wash his clothes and call us once a week? If we dig a little deeper we wonder, Will I be all right?  “Here, let me make up your bed.” “Here, let me help arrange a few pieces of furniture.”

These eleventh hour ‘momness’ acts are understandable - raising our children took 18 years to master!   We fed, clothed, drove, enrolled, counseled and consoled this curious, intelligent, talented, creative, petulant genius that we have loved since we moms heard the words, “you’re pregnant.”  And dad?  He just wants his kids to stay away from the beer keg, stay out of trouble and stay permanently on the dean’s list.  He also realizes his son’s yelling over nothing last night was a face-saving technique that ‘the dad’ didn’t take personally because he understands how acting mad keeps everyone from feeling that painful separation anxiety that everyone feels anyway.

Parents, realize that you are not alone; millions of us look back wistfully on the days of Dr. Denton’s, little league games and Santa Claus.  Realize the new way your kids need you now.  Realize your present task is therefore to assure your children that they will be fine.  Tell them outright that you have confidence in their intellectual capabilities, that they are a friend “magnet” and you’re only a cell phone call away plus you’ve already cranked up your minutes!  They’ll know you are lying about the minutes but they’ll love you for it. When you turn to get back into the van, pull out your calendar, put the first parent’s weekend on it and smile as you do.  Then, confidently tell your kids you love them, they’ll be all right, then hug them goodbye.

Remember, you did a great job giving your kids wings, now delight in their first solo flight that every parent knows is a triumph and a terror for the student and the instructor.

Both my dreams and my interests had become undeniably centered on the concepts developed by psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung because I realized, in hindsight, I had been living an archetypal experience during the trauma of Katie’s illness.  I realized also that while I was not the first mother to have been frightened by her child’s cancer, I needed to discover some meaning in it all and quench my thirst for understanding my time of monumental stress.  I also had a burning desire to explore Jung’s concepts of archetypes, dreams, the anima, the animus, the collective unconscious, synchronicity, the shadow, complex theory and other topics he developed.  And, I wanted to study where Dr. Jung developed his theories.  Yes, my psychic pathways for studious wanderlust beckoned.  I had no doubt that I needed to honor this dream.

Down the stairs I came that night of awakening, eager to share this new revelation with my husband, St. Richard.  “I’ve been called to Switzerland,” I announced with an ecstasy of St. Teresa of Avila swooning with awareness.  Responding with his normal sincerity and humor that I often write about, he said, “Tonight?”

Three days later I registered for my program of study dealing with the symbolic world and depth psychology. Ninety-one people from the world over would become my classmates at The Jung Institute.  The program I signed up for would be held in Kusnacht, Switzerland, right on Lake Zurich, Jung’s hometown for many years.

Several months later, as a parent would attach little mittens, my husband handed me my passport and boarding pass, kissed me goodbye and said, “You’ll be all right.”  I would I thought? I didn’t speak German, I’d never been away more than two days without him - never mind to Europe by myself - and what in God’s holy name was I doing?  When the plane soared into the night sky I quietly wiped away a few nervous tears.

Hours later, looking out the window on the chain of Swiss Alps snaking across the earth below, I gasped at their beauty and magnificence.  Here in Switzerland I would begin a pilgrimage.  Here in Switzerland I would feed my spirit and share experiences with others who would teach me and whom I would teach.  Here in Switzerland I would learn first-hand the nature and importance of one of Jung’s most profound concepts: individuation which is to understand the psychological process that makes a person an individual.

On the last day of the program I rode the train with a small group of seven newly formed friends to see Jung’s summer cottage.  There at Bollingen we held one another’s hands and sang “Amazing Grace” because each of us had come to Switzerland to find something extraordinary and each of us did: we found the miracle in the mystery.  We found the joy in personal pursuit.  We found the guaranteed blessing that is the ultimate reward whenever we take the time to follow our dream and Make Every Day Matter.

Summer sea breezes make most of us swoon.  Shakespeare’s famous, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?  Thou art more lovely and more temperate” flies to mind.  Come on, everyone knows that first scent of the bay driving across a causeway.  Everyone knows that sight of swooping gulls welcoming us to summer love and the sound of our own flip flops marching toward a tumbling and tantalizing surf as we step over the shells sprinkled all over the sand dunes.  Outside of a summer’s natural beauty, I think we enjoy the season because we recall the summer times and loves of our youth.   We remember the innocence of pure summer love.

People are happier when they are in love, especially in the summer.  Now is there a difference between being in love and feeling that we love someone?  Women ask me all the time to explain the difference.  Yes, I respond: I’m in love with you has more infatuation and projection attached; I love you has more of day-to-day companionship attached.  This isn’t just speculation.  Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who studies love, says that each form of love - whether in the summer or not - has an unspoken mystery attached.  And a mystery, by its definition, is not to be understood.  Dr. Fisher believes that mystery is part of infatuation (which is critical to romantic love) but long lasting love provides a feeling of security.  This dependable love is important, too, especially in this summer of economic insecurity.

Economic or otherwise, people want security.  Feeling secure calms down our nervous system and reduces our anxiety.  But take note, the heart is complicated because it harbors both dark and light places.  On the dark side of the heart are emotions such as jealously, rage, envy, and revenge.  These negative feelings feed on themselves; they harbor ill will.  So, don’t spend your precious time feeling green about someone else looking curvy in a bathing suit.  Get yourself out walking two miles a day and you’ll be not just looking fit but you’ll feel fabulous.  And these rewards will make you feel even happier which can attract this summer love I’ve been talking about!  If you happen to have the blessing of a summer love already in your life, feeling happier will keep that person glancing in your direction because, let’s face it, we all like being around happy people.

So, let’s reach out to everyone this summer.  Let’s make summer love a goal and particularly to give summer love to those with broken or grieving hearts who have suffered a significant loss of any kind and might be grieving.  The dissolution of someone’s marriage, the death of someone dear, the ending of their job, a profound loss of health or even the loss of blessed hope itself is a crushing reality for people.

It takes very little effort to lift a lonely heart but when you do you reap immediate rewards.  I recall Sarah Ban Breathnach’s words, “The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers.  But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.”  So here are this dreamer’s suggestions to spread summer love: treat someone to an ice cream cone who doesn’t have an extra two bucks.  Invite someone on a bike ride with you or on a simple walk.  Plant a few tomato plants in an elderly neighbor’s yard and ask her or him to your next family BBQ. Take a volunteer job a few hours a month to treat a fatherless child to a ball game, fishing or just to do crafts together.  Visit a lonely forgotten soul in a nursing home once a week who feels life is lost to them now.

Believe me, not only will you know the bounty of that merciful giving but you’ll have made a pure, no strings attached contribution of real summer love to someone who needs to remember that they and their Every Day still Matters.

Let’s talk about the four seasons of marriage: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. Usually we think of marriage as a relationship with our partner but it can also be the state of marriage solely within us called “the inner marriage.” The inner marriage is an intimate relationship with ourself. We need a strong inner marriage of love, appreciation, understanding and respect for ourself in order to experience the serenity, joy, and connection attainable in an outer marriage.

The Spring of Marriage is when matrimony begins. We are often young and overflowing with boundless excitement, optimism and desire. We start this first phase believing – unconsciously - that our partner is here to save our life and fulfill every expectation we ever dreamed possible. We are full of projections. In this early stage of development we rarely see the essence of the man or woman before us because we are so blinded by the light of the mythological god or goddess who blocks our view. We take our wedding vowels, “Please heal me of every pain and love me forever.” Well, we didn’t say that but that’s what most of us thought. It’s a young and hopeful dream. We are in love and often madly so.

The Summer of Marriage is when we often bring children into the world. These precious little ones fill our lives with love, fun, pressure and (ugh!) adult responsibility. As the children grow, husbands and wives may argue that the spouse is not who we thought they were! We may even wonder if we are who we thought we were. Enter the mid-life crisis. It can be a stressful time of struggle.

Later in this phase of the marriage cycle children will fly away from the carefully constructed family nest and into their brand new lives, just as their mother and father did. Husbands and wives now begin to surrender and let them go, albeit a little sadly. It’s an emotionally healthy and necessary choice. “Sunrise, sunset, swiftly flow the days” go the words from Fiddler on the Roof. No wonder that song makes so many couples cry.

Then we look around. It’s so quiet. The voice of Spirit whispers, “Something needs to change.” We think the something is our mate. “If only he…, if only she …,” Eventually we recognize it is not our mate but we who must change. We begin to understand that the inner marriage is of monumental importance. We commit to know ourself again. This commitment provides immediate insurance not just for us but for our couple relationship. It feels good. Understanding this inner marriage also makes boundaries clear, “I stop here and you start here.” Sometimes people are fearful that introspection might separate them. It could, but at least it’s honest.

When we work to connect the inner marriage with our outer marriage we begin to appreciate the real glory in our spouse. We also begin to see the first authentic wrinkles of responsibility for our own life, too, and we begin to grow up. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t all work out and couples do separate permanently. But if that should occur at least each party has the satisfaction of knowing who he or she is and can apply it non-defensively for the good of the children and grandchildren involved. Not every relationship was made in heaven.

The Autumn of Marriage is about transition. We watch our children raising their children. We graciously step back and let them live their own lives. We give them space when they need it. We throw our arms around the joy our grandchildren bring and pitch in whenever we can help. Watching our families grow is so full of wonder we want everyone to stop growing! But respecting time’s natural rhythm - especially when feeling astonished - helps us move right along with the changing tides as we consider what we want to do with our life now. Some want the pleasure of work, some the pleasure of play, and some want a combination. Being open to every new idea will see us through. That is key, keep it fresh.

The Winter of Marriage is when we enter into the final season of marriage with another or with ourself alone for death or choice or fate may have put us there. So we pray for everyone’s good health. We are reflective and thoughtful. We live in our souls more. We recognize and give thanks for all the important moments in our life and for those we’ve met along the way who have helped us to transform, evolve and grow. We look forward to any final gifts of grace this season will provide. We reach for our partner’s hand or put our hand over our heart to touch the symbolic hand of our inner partner. We read Yeats. We read Rilke. We smile. We pray. We make Every Day Matter.

When you open yourself up to love, you open yourself up to loss.  When you suffer a loss, you will experience the painful emotion we call grief.  It’s a natural response to loss.  Yet, to the person going through this afflictive emotion, the experience feels overwhelming.  I would like to help you understand that going through it means it is a process not an event and, depending on the personal connection you have to the loss, it is very individual. And yet, the grieving process itself is universal: we feel sad when we experience loss.

Because we will all suffer loss as part our life’s journey, we will all need time and spiritual healing to recover.  But our world wants us to hurry up and get on with things.  This demand - whether from society or someone in our life - doesn’t work with the grieving process because loss, as love, is embedded deep in our souls and it cannot be rushed.

When someone you loved has died, your life feels different because it is different.  In your grief process you will long and ache for the person.  If you have lost a beloved child, your grief will go on and on and you will need to find a new purpose in your life to survive.  That is what helps me, trying to help you, that is my new purpose.

Sometimes we mistakenly believe that loss and grief exist only when someone we love dies but loss and grief are felt in other life circumstances, too.  Presently, I’m experiencing a sense of loss over our much loved pastor’s transfer, a deep loss for me and collectively for our parish community.

Because grief surfaces with situations other than death, look over some additional examples of loss which you may have experienced.  They also deserve recognition for their importance in your spiritual healing and well-being.

Loss of your marriage and the family life you wanted for youself and your children.

Loss of a home you loved and that shared circle of close friends.

Loss of trust in your own judgment after a terrible betrayal.

Loss of your job.

Loss of financial security.

Loss of your health.

Loss that comes with a disability.

Loss of your youth.

Loss of never marrying.

Loss of the courage to live your own life.

Loss suffered with infertility issues.

Loss of a friend or family member through addiction or mental illness.

Loss that you will never have the mom or dad or siblings that you needed.

Loss of your parent stolen by dementia or Alzheimer’s.

Loss of the kids when they leave for pre-school, college, or marriage.

Loss of your family pet.

Loss when you realize your child will never have a story-book life.

Loss of not having grandchildren.

Loss of visitation rights to your grandchildren.

Loss of your dreams.

Loss of your faith - once unshakeable - now dim or nonexistent.

As you can see, these are examples of other losses people have shared with me.  Maybe they even touch on your loss.

When we are grieving a loss, we often feel we want to be alone and we pull away from others.  This isolates us more.  This pulling away causes the loneliness of loss to increase.  This loneliness can move our grief into a depression and then - worse - into despair, a dark hole that is much harder to climb out of and much more difficult to recover from than grief.

Don’t go it alone.  Remember what Winnie the Pooh once remarked, “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes.” Here are some suggestions to get you out of your corner of the forest:

One Share your pain with compassionate family members and friends.

Two Talk with a rabbi, priest, minister or person of faith.

Three Find a counselor who understands loss personally and clinically.

Four Nourish you body, rest frequently, exercise moderately.

Five Commit to volunteer somewhere.

Six Receive hugs from comforting supporters.

Remember, it takes great courage and work to survive your shattering losses and your grief is testimony to the love you were able to give.  And remember, my friends, you are remarkable each morning when you get out of bed, put your feet on the floor, and ask for the grace to make this day and Every Day Matter.

Some say we don’t have anymore heroes but I say we do.  Let’s take a look at what a hero is and decide if you are one.

A hero travels the hero’s journey.  That’s when regular people such as you or me are asked to leave our routine life because something serious has occurred and we are asked to do something about it.  We are “called to help.” We are called to save our king, our country, our friend, or ourself.  And because the task is arduous, we really don’t want to accept it.

Medieval stories call the journey a “quest” because the hero faces not only a serious challenge but sometimes a life or death circumstance to boot.  Examples of a modern day hero’s journey are leaving for war, battling a cancer, caring for a parent stricken with Alzheimer’s, burying a beloved child or mate, or going through a painful divorce.  The challenge we meet on the hero’s journey might mean facing an enemy within such as a dependence on alcohol, drugs or a compulsive behavior.

Once we fully face the seriousness of our challenge, we realize that nothing in our life will ever be the same. And while we may feel very much alone with this realization, rest assured, fellow traveler, that you are not alone if you are on the hero’s journey because a spiritual guide always emerges with the sole purpose of reminding us of our strengths, offering us encouragement, and providing us with much appreciated hope. Think now about your own life.  Did an angel of mercy in the form of a rabbi, a pastor, a counselor, a teacher, or a sagacious friend appear just when you needed the help?  Did your spouse, or sibling, or parents’ faith and prayers pull you through and keep you believing?  Did God or Spirit fortify your resolve and strengthen your courage?

More problems confront us on the hero’s journey.  And even while feeling battle weary, the hero not only stays riveted on the original goal but he or she manages additional strength to confront the fear which really holds power over him or her.  Nothing stops the hero who pushes through to complete the mission and return home victorious where friends, neighbors and family shout, “Welcome home!” This is biblical, archetypal and transcendent.

So, what do you think?  Are you a hero?  If you have walked the hero’s journey then maybe you are.  And if you are a hero you probably had a helping hand from someone when you lost your way.  We all need support in our descents, quests, and pilgrimages whether a hero’s journey or not.  I love the idea of reflecting on life, particularly our trials, because it affords an opportunity to give thanks to the people whose grace kept our souls believing when we thought we could bear no more.

My friends, whether we have fought the unbeatable foe, whether we have walked the hero’s journey or not, remember it’s never too late to be grateful for another chance to make our life, our dreams and Every Day Matter.

Have you ever had an experience where you said, “Wow, what a coincidence.”  Maybe it was more.  Maybe it was a synchronicity. Let me explain through a Jungian perspective.

Carl Jung, the prominent Swiss psychiatrist, believed synchronicity meant ‘more than a coincidence.’  Jung, the thinker and founder of analytical psychology, connected synchronicities to the bigger world: the collective unconscious.  These were not just assumptions on his part, Jung believed the collective unconscious was universal, meaning common to all people, because he listened and researched for decades the overlapping stories and myths that people shared with him, people from various cultures and societies worldwide.  Jung also recorded people’s dreams from these many cultures and uncovered repetitive and often dominant themes and motifs.  He called these themes archetypes and reasoned that they resided in a collective unconscious.

Some examples of universal archetypes are life, death, love, mother, father, child and the hero’s battle between good and evil. (Think Luke Skywalker in Star Wars.)  The archetypes might have a different symbolism specific to that culture’s religion or cultural myth but the archetype remains the same.  Consider the Virgin Mary known for her mercy as the all loving mother for the Christian community but Kwan Yin the Goddess of Compassion for Buddhism.

Therefore, if we wish to evaluate an event’s synchronicity, Jung believed certain elements and conditions needed to be present: first that the episode transcends a concrete event in a spiritual way and that outside events did not cause the synchronicity.  Second, that the synchronistic occurrence must reflect back personal meaning to the individual experiencing it.  Third, that the event is tied to deep emotion within that person.  Fourth, that the synchronicity occurs at times of important transition in an individual’s life as after a death in the family or divorce or serious illness when how one proceeds afterward in his or her life seems unclear. (Clifton Snider, Ph.D.)

But how does this translate for you or me and how would it appear?  Well, allow me to share two personal examples of what a synchronicity actually looks like and why a synchronistic experience feels extraordinarily meaningful to the person having it.

Last Thursday I boarded The Amtrak Vermonter and headed to Burlington to visit a friend and colleague I met in 1993 at The C. G. Jung Institute in Kusnacht, Switzerland.  Eleven hours later my friend Jackie met me at the station. That evening we dined in. Following dinner Jackie abruptly leapt from her chair, “Mare, I want you to ’see’ this.”  Adeptly winding a little music box she handed it over.  Two lady bugs - lemon yellow and cherry red in color - spun and twirled about.  Beethoven’s beautiful “Fur Elise” tingled in the air.  And here is the first synchronicity when time became suspended between two worlds.  You see, my friends, Fur Elise was the favorite classical composition my deceased daughter Katie played often for me, a fact that Jackie had no idea about.

This awesome synchronicity led to a few tears, a tender hug, and a glance heavenward on this my first trip back to Vermont since dear Katie died.   Yes, this experience hit my heart hard and fast because for me it transcended earthly existence because I felt it was a sign of Katie’s presence, a Devine presence, or both.

The weekend ended - as all things do - and I headed back to Philadelphia.  This is where the second synchronicity begins to unfold.  Shortly after leaving Vermont, the train stopped and a young family of three boarded. We exchanged smiles as they seated themselves across the aisle.  From the corner of my eye I couldn’t help but observe the little boy’s joyful spirit.  Naturally, I didn’t want to intrude (or did I?) but about an hour later I saw he had nothing to play with so what’s a therapist, mother, and grandmother to do with all of her extra paper and pens?

I leaned toward the father and inquired if his child might like to have a pad and pen.  They asked him.  He nodded affirmatively.  I passed the pad and pen over to this little guy and returned to my reading.  Fifteen minutes later he stood next to my seat.  “Hello!”  I looked up and smiled.  He handed me a picture.  It was a drawing of a woman and a little boy.  The woman had glasses on.  I had glasses on.  I looked at him smiling so luminously.

“This is you” he said “and this is me!”  He told me he was six years old.  I was so delighted by this sweet and generous gesture and his emerging ego strength.

“What a wonderful picture you have drawn!  Thank you!  Would I be able to keep it?” He tells me that yes, it is mine now, and I think this is the best train ride I have ever had.

“What is your name, dear boy, so I will always think of you and this special day together on the train?”

He looked directly into my eyes with the hold of a king and answered in the voice of an angel, “My name is Vishnu.”

I am spellbound. This was my second synchronicity.  Here is why. This little boy’s name was not Johnny or Tommy; his name was Vishnu, a major god in Hinduism who is normally depicted with four arms.  In each hand he holds something symbolic.  In one hand he holds a conch shell because its sound ‘Om’ represents the sound of creation.  In another hand he holds a chakra (small weapon) which represents the purified mind.  In another hand he holds a lotus flower which represents spiritual liberation.  In another hand he holds a mace which represents great spiritual, physical and mental strength.

I felt astounded and humbled that a little child with a prominent and religious Hindu name would so randomly cross my path.  This synchronistic experience felt not only meaningful to me but transcendent.  Why?  Because I am in a personal transition and I felt it was yet another sign of Katie’s presence, a Devine presence or both supporting me.

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP

February 27, 2010

The synchronicities mount.  Last Saturday evening my husband and I attended a wonderful surprise party for a dear friend’s son just back from his second and final deployment as a pilot in Iraq.  At the party, while conversing with one of the other guests, the subject of this fellow’s graduate school came up.  I was aware that both he and my husband completed their MBA work at the same university. I got to laughing about that coincidence when something made me inquire further, “Did you live in Newark, too?”  He said he did.  I said that we did also “on a street where all the physicians in Newark lived.”

He said, “Mt. Prospect Avenue?”

I said, “As a matter of fact, yes!”

He continued, “555 Mt. Prospect Avenue?”  Yes again.  Of course we discovered it was also during the same time period!  I’m so excited about this synchronicity I grabbed his wife to tell her because ironically she is in my “Mother’s Finding Meaning Again” group.  (I had asked her to join when I heard her son had died suddenly two years ago.)  She and I agreed to share this synchronicity at our next meeting because we mothers consider these incidents sacred whispers from the spiritual world where we believe all of our children now live.  It’s also something that offers all of us great consolation and comfort.

Our group met last night. As I retold the story, the mothers’ eyes grew wide and I couldn’t help but notice how quickly they placed their hands over their hearts listening.  After some comments among us, another mom in our group shared details of the origins of her relationship with me.  I would like to write about those details now because this all fits together.

Back in the 1980’s this beautiful young woman contacted me asking support for her father who had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer.  Learning about her dad’s illness I discovered that she herself had young identical twin girls who had been born with cystic fibrosis. I confide that the additional information about her children broke my heart because I realized the seriousness of that diagnosis.  I also couldn’t imagine how hard this mother’s life must be.  This encounter occurred several years before knowing that I, too, would someday be walking in her shoes when my teenager would be diagnosed with a brain tumor.

Well, time moved forward for this little family and I did what I could for them.  This ill father made it such a privilege given his sincere, sweet and non-assuming personality.  I felt close to him.  Regrettably his cancer progressed and even though everyone just wanted him to get well; it was not meant to be.  Because I felt close to him I stopped into the hospital one afternoon to give him a little hug but he had already slipped into a coma.  Standing by his hospital bed I observed his earnest face and felt overcome with sadness at the brevity of this good man’s life.  Why is life so short I thought?  Do we say enough?  Do we do enough?  I lightly kissed his forehead, said a silent prayer and quietly left.

Naturally this dying man was on my mind.  It’s not easy for me to forget one part of my life just because I’m in another part.  I mention this because as I slept that first night I dreamed my dying client stood in front of me before he silently, and without speaking, leaned in to give me a gentle hug.  I woke with my heart pounding; I could not return to sleep.  At 7:30 a.m. I called his daughter.

“Oh Pat, how is your father doing?  I just had a dream about him and he gave me a hug.”

“Oh Mary Jane,” she responded, “my father died in the middle of the night.”

You may wonder how my client’s daughter and I reconnected after all of these years?  It happened quite naturally because one of my neighbors mentioned that she had a friend with two seriously ill children and not long after that conversation I picked up the newspaper and read the inspiring story of her daughter’s lives.  What mother could read a story about two children dying six months apart and not feel torn open with that tragic loss?  When I formed the mother’s group I invited her to join because Pat gives new meaning to the definition of a courageous mother.

Oh, did I mention where she now lives?  How about a ten minute walk from my home.

April 24, 2010

Last night my husband and I attended a party at an artist’s friend’s beautiful new home where two synchronicities occurred but tonight, I will address only one.  My painter friend and I met a few years back in an art class.  Her skills with a brush put me in a trance.

We came up the walk to this house in a serene setting on the Main Line in Philadelphia not far from The Willows.  No ding-dong Avon calling because she and her engaging boyfriend greeted us with laughter and a hug at the mailbox - Debbie’s way for, in addition to being an accomplished painter, she excels at putting people at ease for fun, friendship and flair.  The house filled up in minutes; everyone chatting and admiring how the space sparkled with colorful expression.

A glass of cold Chardonnay, hints of oak - yum, my favorite - now handed to me by Deb.  It lifted my spirits higher.  A lively conversation with Gerry about our lives commenced where she shared how she had highlighted many sections of When Every Day Matters.  I offered how we might like to discuss those parts meaningful to her someday soon.  You see, an author never tires talking about his or her own work, particularly with a person who actually “gets” its message or wishes to explore personal meaning and I’m all about meaning.

In mid sentence - whose I do not recall - I looked at my glass stem’s personalized dangling charm.  You know, that little trinket which identifies your glass from all the others at the party should you become distracted and put it down for a piece of cheese.  That tiny silver claim that says “this is my drink so please find your own glass and don’t sip from mine!”  I finger it, twirl it, then I actually see it.  “Oh my God, I think this is a dragonfly.”  To which she responds, “It is.  Does that have meaning to you, MJ?”  Yes, I tell her, and I proceed to share a dream I had only weeks before about pulling two such creatures, one-by-one, out of my throat.  Her eyes are big as twin moons now and she inquires did I know the meaning of the dragonfly?   Only that it is spiritual, I responded, and that I would check further into it which I just did.  Seems the dragonfly also represents change.  It also doesn’t live long.  Well, I guess there’s a lesson here from the dragonfly which coincides with mine to make every day matter and here’s some additional information http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.html

The synchronicity for me is three fold: one, it is meaningful to me from childhood and fishing with my father.  Two, the impact the dream had on me viscerally.  Three, receiving this symbol at a very spiritual person’s home.  You see, any charm could have been on my glass: a flower, a hat a tree, but I was given a dragonfly.  Our hostess, Debbie, knew nothing of my recent dream nor how this night adventure resonated in my soul long after I had had it and long before on many summer afternoons with a worm, a hook and my father by my side.  I couldn’t wait to tell her.

She smiled as she always does when these spiritual events occur because Debbie is a seeker and a believer and, as Kahlil Gibran wrote years ago in The Prophet, “their coffer is never empty.”

April 25, 2010

Tonight my dearest friends came together to celebrate our friend Ray’s birthday.  We always save cake and ice cream for later in one of our homes.  Tonight it was Tammy and Robin’s.

I walk into their living room with my husband right behind, our birthday boy and his wife, MarySue, singing and laughing.  My eyes fly to the coffee table where a little stone plaque sits with a picture.  Can this be?  I pick it up.  It’s a dragonfly.  I hold it and look at Tammy.  Always generous, always with her arms wide open to this amazing universe she says, “MJ, obviously this is meaningful to you.  Please take it!”

I did and I share this moment with you, the believers of life.

The famous Swiss psychiatrist, Carl G. Jung, said what we deny, fear or don’t address consciously will visit us as fate. I agree and believe, too, if we don’t manifest our intentions, we will manifest our fears.

Many people believe therapy is about resolving a crisis or healing a traumatic past and while these are worthy goals indeed, good therapy is also like good feng shui, because it is about exploring and making our noble intentions conscious and meaningful.

Balancing Yin and Yang energies in our relationships is imperative. Think about balance within the context of our feeling afraid that the relationship with our significant lover will end because our mate will find someone else so sometimes we pull away in a detached manner to the point where only our Yin (feminine) energy remains. For balance to occur “within” the context of that relationship the significant other may become understandably and notably angrier, wondering, “Where did my soul mate go?” Now the Yang (masculine) energy arrives!

Normally this isn’t done consciously, no, it is unconscious and it is out of fear. The first party – for example we’ll say a woman – fears rejection and detaches. The male party also fears rejection and abandonment but his response is anger. These are psychological realities yet their origins were fear based, they were unacknowledged and they became manifested.

Lillian Too (The Encyclopedia of feng shui, pg. 203) discusses the principles of Yin and Yang in how the Chinese view conjugal bliss as a double happiness! Hooray! But there will never be much bliss in a home if the space is filled up with anger (Yang) as in “You never!” (An expression that actually indicates a psychic regression as does the expression, “You always!”) Or feel the passive resistance (Yin) of “Oh no, husband, nothing is wrong.” Sometimes one spouse needs to be extraverted (psychology) and take the lead (Yang) and sometimes one spouse needs to be more introverted (psychology) and allow the other to lead them (Yin). It’s lovely having the opportunity to play both roles in a relationship. One size needn’t fit all in marriage or in searching for a love relationship!

Are you feeling angry today? (Yang) Do yourself and your relationship a favor and literally cool off by removing that red sweater and have yourself a nice glass of cool spring water over crushed ice. Not only will you feel better physically when next you speak to your mate, but in your new physically balanced state, you will feel clearer emotionally about what is actually troubling your spirit. “I felt hurt when you came home an hour late and never even called. It made me feel disrespected as though you don’t care anymore.” Psychologically this does make one vulnerable, I will agree, but it also makes one face his or her real truth and believe me, the truth does indeed set us free.

Are you sometimes lacking energy in the romantic department? Where did all the chi go? How can I get sexy back? Time to get physical! So get up on the dance floor, take a walk, and lift some weights. Statistics show that people who exercise not only feel more in the mood; they feel more physically attractive and the accompanying renewed energy unleashes everyone’s tiger. But don’t stop there, stop with all the bread and sugar and fill up on fruits and vegetables instead. Oh and don’t forget to get that computer and that TV out of the boudoir. Replace them with a picture of Klimt’s ‘The Kiss’ and a nice photo of the two of you. Surely then you’ll make your own fire element!

Sometimes people will try to save money and economize, but in matters of love, it’s more costly not to implement positive changes. I know a man who after he married wife #2 said he would not get a new bed because he didn’t need one, “The one I have is fine for us!” Whoa, lots of Yang energy here from him. She, wife #2, wanting to keep the peace, shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. Lots of Yin here, too, but where’s the balance? (feng shui) Where’s the honesty? (psychology) Did he learn that kind of rigid control in his family of origin? Did she learn that peace at any price in hers? Yikes now how many people are in that bed? Wife #1, wife #2 and husband #1 every time one enters that master suite! This is not good psychology or good feng shui!

It’s a known fact that Yin and Yang energies work together creating a harmonious space whether in your inner self or outer space. You can transform your master bedroom into one that feels warm, receptive and restful (Yin) and passionate, exciting and on fire (Yang). Think of the lovely balance you are creating as you turn the lights low (Yin) and put a match to those two juicy red candles (Yang) whose flame releases an exotic cinnamon scent in your bedroom: nice and spicy. Also, make certain you have balanced rest for nothing takes us further away from a romantic mood than exhaustion which can quickly lead us to it’s sister and brother: depression and anxiety.

So, until we meet again, remember everyone loves love; it’s universal! If you are fortunate enough to have a loving attachment then cherish and protect it consciously by enhancing its chi, being mindful of your mate’s needs as well as your own, and don’t forget to keep your thoughts, your words and your actions positive. You can do it!

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP

www.wheneverydaymatters.com

On Thursday, March 26, 2009, the first meeting of our mother’s group took place at MJ’s home. Nine mothers gathered to talk about their deceased child and share how they are managing now. Some mother’s children have been gone less than two years, several close to ten years, as in my case. I have named our group “Mothers Finding Meaning Again.”

The gathering was deeply spiritual; we felt safe in one another’s company. We shared fruit of the vine, cheese and a few sweets to remember the sweetness of our children. We shared hope.

“All will be well, and all will be well, and all kind of thing will be well,” said the mystic Julian of Norwich. We mothers believe the same for ourselves and for other mothers throughout the world who have had to bear the unbearable sorrow. We pray that other mothers find this site and talk about their loss and finding meaning again.

April 7, 2010

I feel so proud of our Mothers Finding Meaning Again group.  We have been together for an entire year now and our souls are aligned forever. We are on a journey together that none of us would have foreseen.  We speak a language no one else really wants to hear because it’s about the loss of a precious child.  We all understand that.  We don’t resent that either because we wish we didn’t have to learn this ‘unspeakable language.’

Our children’s deaths were of varied circumstances.  One mom lost twins to Cystic Fibrosis.  These two young women died six months apart.  None of we other moms can comprehend how she is still standing.  Another mom’s precious toddler drowned.  Another poor adult child fell under the seduction of alcohol and pills.  Another mom’s adult child was multi-handicapped for 3 decades; she never sat up nor spoke.  She died suddenly - though peacefully - surrounded in the love of her family.  Another child died in a tragic boating accident.  Another young adult died of an extremely rare liver condition kept alive for many years because she shared her mother’s liver.  Another young adult male died suddenly of a heart condition, and my Katie died at 28 of a brain tumor that she had battled valiantly for 10 years. Another young adult child died as a result of a car accident where he was a passenger.  He suffered as a quadriplegic for 5 years before God took him home.  Another precious little boy, a child prodigy, came down with a terrible illness and never recovered.

We never know what our life will give to us but one thing I know for sure about the mothers in our group we make every day matter.

August 25, 2010

Our meeting on Wednesday was held outside at MJ’s.  The night was perfectly beautiful, sonorous Katydids surrounded us with their rhythms as we welcomed a new mother to our group. Her young adult son died several years ago.  He had not been well for sometime.  He was her only child and a soul mate.  Many of our mothers feel the same about their children, that they were soul mates meaning their individual souls reflected one another, that their souls saw one another’s soul.

The old Irish call that ’seeing kin’ but not in the lay sense of “oh, he’s my uncle or oh, she’s my aunt.”  This soul mate is not about blood for we can share blood and not feel connected to someone.  Soul mate means to acknowledge the ancient aspect of their relationship which was present long before the child was born.  John O’Donohue speaks often of this in his books Anam Cara or Eternal Echoes.  He writes of the pain of loss and how “Absence hides the one you love.  You desire to be with the beloved, to see her (him), hear her (him), rest in her (his) presence.  But she (he) is hidden from your eyes though not hidden from your heart.”

We mothers understand the loneliness which is never absent from the loss of a child.  But we go on and are grateful so very grateful for having been their mother.

]]> http://www.wheneverydaymatters.com/?feed=rss2&p=56 http://www.wheneverydaymatters.com/?p=68 http://www.wheneverydaymatters.com/?p=68#comments Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:31:56 +0000 MJ Hurley Brant http://www.wheneverydaymatters.com/?p=68

As a practicing psychotherapist for 30 years and a Certified Group Psychotherapist, I often work with members in a family who have suffered at the hand’s of others in their clan who themselves lack introspection or deny the circumstances of their childhood.  Denial is the most primitive defense mechanism. And while in our childhoods denial sometimes helps the developing ego to not disintegrate when the family experience was harsh, that same defensive posture is counter therapeutic in adult relationships because it keeps one unconscious and the unconscious person projects their unanalyzed inner story upon others doing much damage all around.  It can also bring about extreme neurotic behavior at best and at worst bring on a psychosis.

As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living” and this was long before Freud or Jung added to the discussion.  When we reach down into our depths we mine the gold there which makes us rich no matter what circumstances we dig up for it brings all parts of us into being.  Do not be afraid to do this.  Find a good guide to help you whether it’s a rabbi, a pastor, or a counselor.  Just make certain the one you hand your deepest self over to is wise and conscious.

April 12, 2010

A little more information on denial in families.  An example would be a wife living with a husband whose behavior seems detached a year or two into the marriage.  Maybe he begins eating at strange hours and sleeping less and less. His temper becomes more explosive over little things.  Maybe there have been some sexual issues, too, as he isn’t feeling amorous toward this new wife and needs excessive medications to correct the problem.  She, the wife, pretends not to notice because she doesn’t want to believe it has anything to do with her when it may have very much to do with her.

Finally, the husband comes forth and tells his wife that he’s leaving because he’s gotten involved with another relationship and his disengaging from his wife had everything to do with not being attracted to her anymore.  She knew long before being informed that he was pulling out but was in denial by not admitting it to herself or him thinking the problem might “go away.”  This kind of denial also has an avoidance wrapped around it.

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